Have you ever loaned a friend or family member some cash, only never to see it again? Oh, and one more thing – the relationship took a major dive soon after you handed over the dough 🙁
At the time of the loan, the air was full of sincerity and goodwill. There may have even been tears of appreciation. Your heart melted directly into your wallet to loosen up and extricate a few large bills. All this, while a distant vision of your C-notes flaming up in smoke haunted you.
The promise of repayment seemed legit, but days, weeks and then months went by with no word of repayment. In fact, the relationship changed. There became less of a connection, no eye contact, avoidance, embarrassment, and even resentment.
There’s always an alternative….
Don’t Do It
If your own financial situation is dicey and you don’t have the money to spare, don’t do it. There’s basic wisdom out there that says, ‘If you can’t take care of yourself first, you can’t take care of anyone else.’ Do you recall the airplane emergency rules? ‘Put on your own oxygen mask first, then help your children with theirs.’
If your intuition already knows that the relationship will deteriorate with this loan, don’t do it.
If the loan recipient is a capable, yet entitled couch potato who blows money, don’t do it.
If the person requesting money is guilting you into it…with the “you don’t love me” thing when you really can’t afford it, NOT COOL. Don’t do it. Get creative with an alternative type of support to show some love. Then send them to a Dave Ramsey class for a whoopin’. 😉
Debt Collection Methods
So what if you are in the process of getting stiffed? A kind, yet clear, request for repayment can work very well. It’s all about your tone.
Try the following verbal approaches to get back your cash:
“Did you know that money can actually strengthen a relationship if it’s handled well between two people? Your repayment of $2000 will seal the trust, accountablity, dependability and love that we have.”
“Are you okay with your landlord now? Do you think you can pay me back that $800 like you said you would?”
“Hey, how’s your new job going? Can you pay me back the $100 before you get your new iPhone 6S?”
“Let’s make sure we don’t wreck our friendship over a loan like the financial experts say always happens. Can you please pay me now per our contract?”
“I love you. Do you love me? Pay me back.”
Add this to any of the above love relationship scenarios if you’re feeling extra spunky. “And if you give me a little somethin’ somethin’ on top of that for my patience, well, I just may have an extra special treat for you.” 😉
There is always the direct and no-nonsense method used by the featured blog pooch who states his demand succinctly. “Give. Me. The. Money. Now.”
You could even fancy that up with a little Tom Cruise theatrics from his famous Oprah appearance and his hit “Jerry Maguire.” You would jump up and down on a couch and scream at the top of your lungs, “Show. Me. The. Moooooney!!” You should at least get immediate partial payment with this method. If you videotape it and get it on YouTube, you may very well get immediate full payment.
Let’s get serious again, peeps. There are rules spelled out by the Federal Trade Commission specifying that debt collectors may not use abusive, unfair or deceptive practices. Although the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act is intended to be specifically for professional debt collectors, the Dogz recommend that you follow those guidelines for good measure.
Loaning money to a friend or family member can strain and even jeopardize your relationship. It can also be a positive experience if you manage your own expectations while communicating clearly to the recipient their responsibilities that come with receiving the loan….. meaning EXACTLY WHEN they need to pay back THE FULL AMOUNT.
If you can afford to loan money and you aren’t contributing to some dysfunction such as co-dependency, there is another approach to maintain your peace of mind. Don’t expect a repayment. If they do pay you back…fantastic. If they don’t…..meh, or in other words, screw it.
Do what’s right for yourself and the situation at hand. Get creative and find an opportunity to help strengthen the relationship and your loved one with the ability to better handle life’s challenges.
Is the word No difficult for you to say? Even when you know it’s the only logical answer?
Here’s the scene. The pressure is on by family or friends to spend money on non-necessities or luxuries. You don’t really have the money right now as your emergency savings fund has been depleted and you are not able to contribute to your retirement plan.
The pressure combined with guilt leads to a massive spending cave in. You get yourself into debt. Now you find yourself feeling like a wuss for the lack of the ability to say the word no.
The word no can change many aspects of your life for the better. This includes relationships, your financial world, your health and so on. The word no establishes boundaries to protect you from being taken advantage of and from doing possible harm to some aspect of yourself or your financial situation.
Mastering the word no adds to your own personal strength, power, self-esteem and confidence.
By the way, HOW you say it is important as well. Loving yet firm is a solid delivery approach.
Dave Ramsey has shared his opinions on the word no in the video below.
If the presentation is a bit harsh for you, here’s a suggestion.
Find your sense of humor. ALWAYS!
Visualize yourself feeling financially free because you DID have the courage to say no.
Change the vision and substitute Dave with someone you love like Jon Stewart or Taylor Swift who don’t take any crap in their own way. So now, do you notice that all of a sudden the concept is a bit more appealing? 😉
Tips for Saying No
Step into your personal power armor. Flex your muscles. What if you now make choices using wisdom and strength that all lead to a feeling of independence, freedom and confidence that you and your family will be taken care of and even thrive? I’m going to bravely toss out there that it may very well be a preferable and more satisfying feeling than the “I deserve” thing 😉
Humility and strength are a wonderful combination and a huge powerhouse for your life not to mention an amazing inspiration to others.
It’s simply about saying no until you and your family’s needs and financial security are obtained first. At that point, it will feel MUCH better for the times ahead where it really does make sense to say YES.
Has your partner ever come home from an afternoon outing at the mall proudly announcing she only bought one pair of designer jeans that were a great deal? Did you notice any red flags like fuzzy eye contact that may signify a trunkload of not-so-great deals waiting to be secretly shuffled to the closet so she can practice expert camouflage techniques?
Or have you applied for a joint loan with your new honey and been rejected because of the $50,000 in credit card debt that popped up out of the blue? His stuttering explanation includes a luxury trip to Comic Con International five years ago, a primo saltwater fish tank that was awesome before all the fish died, and an addiction to 900 numbers that has since been cured.
Financial infidelity comes in many shapes and sizes. Surveys show that it is not unusual for a couple to have money related secrets. The stage of the relationship is a large factor as to whether it makes sense to disclose debt and net worth info. A committed relationship is the basis for such discussions.
Reasons for Money-Related Problems
Research has shown that money trouble is one of the top reasons for breakups. The truth is that there is always more depth to relationship problems than just money itself. Examples include the following:
Lack of education and development of financial knowledge such as establishing budgets and financial goal setting.
Lack of Responsibility to Partner – the idea that one doesn’t have to step up and contribute to shared responsibilities, including earning money and spending limits – aka, “slacker.”
Lack of Trust – fear that the other person is capable of taking advantage of them like a bloodsucker if they disclose expenses & overall financial situation.
Fear of Retribution – fear that the other person will freak out over debt reality or shopping habits.
Lack of Self Esteem – embarrassment and shame over bad decisions, loss of self control, or a family history of poverty. These emotions can turn into greed, lying, accumulating debt & overspending to “Keep up with the Joneses.”
Disrespect of Partner – not understanding or appreciating the contributions of a partner and only seeing their own contributions. This is being a “selfie” with or without a camera around.
Honey Money Summit
Is it possible to dig your way out of this mountain of money misery? Yes. If you need to hire a relationship counselor that specializes in resolving financial issues to jump start the process, do it.
Otherwise, establish some ground rules for your own Honey Money Summit that includes: No fights. No sugarcoating. Speaking is essential. No hogging the conversation. Stay solution focused.
Now it’s time to lay all poop on the table. Some poop will stink more than others, so stay focused on the super stink. Establish the root causes and negotiate a solution. If this does not go well, try again with professional assistance. There may be severe problems within the relationship that can’t be solved, even with the help of a relationship counselor.
If it does go well, you have a new opportunity to get rid of any habits associated with financial infidelity, strengthen your relationship, and improve your finances. Stronger love. Increased financial security. Ahhh, yes!!